Your Virtual Hand in Mine
by greatduwangs
Summary: Diavolo ventures into the world of online dating and catfishing. His first victim: Yoshikage Kira. KiraBoss.


**HHHHHHHHHHHHH UPLOADING THIS FIC TO AO3 HAS BEEN A FUCKING PAIN SO HERE I'M UPLOADING IT HERE FOR NOW**

* * *

As Diavolo's personal assistant, Doppio made it his duty to ensure that the boss would never, _repeat_ , _never_ have a worry in his life. He brought him his coffee every morning, did whatever work Diavolo didn't want to do himself, and even shopped at Hot Topic for him. Diavolo's wellbeing was his number one priority, and Doppio did his job better than any other personal assistant in the world, as Diavolo would often say when drunk and watching a bad vampire romance movie at three in the morning.

Yet, as Doppio stared at his boss, lying on the couch with chocolate wrappers scattered around him, one arm hanging loosely by his side and the other shielding his eyes from the world, he couldn't help but feel as if he had failed somehow.

He coughed, unsure if Diavolo had heard him enter the office. No response.

"Uh… boss?"

Diavolo grunted.

"Are you okay boss? Did Giovanna make a call-out post again?" He stepped forward to the couch, crouching down to Diavolo's eye-level.

"No…" Diavolo mumbled. His voice sounded more flat than usual, Doppio noted. He wasn't even wearing a band shirt, instead opting to wear nothing to cover his torso. There wasn't even some background Linkin Park ambience. He really was feeling off.

Doppio placed what he hoped was a comforting hand on Diavolo's shoulder. "You can tell me what's wrong. I'm your best friend –"

"Assistant," Diavolo cut in, irritated.

"- _bestest friend in the world_ , and it's my job to make sure you never, e _ver_ , feel down. So, what's going on?"

There was a pregnant pause, and then a long sigh. Diavolo slowly moved his arms to his chest and overlapped his hands, his eyes gazing at the ceiling half-absently. "I'm bored, Doppio."

There it was. Failure. Doppio's failure, lying before him. The boss… was _bored_.

This was the one thing he never wanted. Diavolo expected the best from him, and yet Doppio couldn't even entertain him for a s _econd_. The thought crushed him to his core. Boredom was not something that came to Diavolo easily; his job pretty much guaranteed he had something to do at all times. Unless a certain overachieving assistant decided to do all the paperwork for the week early…

Doppio turned ashen. It _was_ all his fault.

"B-Boss! What about the movies I bought? Did you try watching them?" he cried out, scrambling to the bag of DVDs he left by the television. "Look, it's Suicide Squad! Let's put it on!"

"I've _seen_ it already!" Diavolo moaned. "Everything in this room, I've done it! There's nothing left for me to do!" He raised his arms up in the air dramatically and flung them back down in defeat.

Tears welled up in Doppio's eyes as he watched his boss just sit and do _nothing_. Not even when he not-so-subtly flung a My Chemical Romance album in the boss's general direction. It pained him beyond words to see Diavolo in such a state.

"I-I'm sorry, boss!" Doppio managed to choke out before running out the office, just barely managing to hear a disgruntled "what?" before slamming the door shut.

He had a problem to fix.

* * *

"Help Diavolo? No fucking way, Dops."

"But he's sad!" Doppio countered, clinging to Mista's shirt urgently. "He isn't even listening to goth music! Please, you have to help me!"

Mista swore loudly, pushing the sobbing boy away from him to no avail. A large wet patch was starting to form on his shirt, to his disgust. Giorno and Fugo stood beside him, looking on at the scene with amusement. Doppio had invited them out for milkshakes as soon as he left Diavolo's office, a nice disguise to cover up what he really wanted. They went out to the park while sipping on their milkshakes, when the scene quickly turned to Doppio crying on Mista, pleading for the three of them to help him. Well, pleading to Mista. He didn't like Fugo because of his weird swiss cheese shirt and he wasn't sure Giorno would be willing to help given his track record of calling out Diavolo on social media.

"Doppio," a gentle voice called. Doppio felt a warm hand on his shoulder and looked up, only to be blinded by a beautiful golden angel. He dropped his jaw and froze in place as Mista finally broke free of his hold, gazing at the figure in awe. It was as if he was in Rome and seeing a marble statue in a museum for the first time. The person – nay, the _statue of beauty_ in front of him was a divine sight to behold. Golden sparkles surrounded the two as Giorno continued to speak, "I'm sorry to hear about Diavolo. It must be hard on you especially. I can see you care a lot about his wellbeing."

Doppio nodded, rubbing a tear away from his eye. Giorno smiled sympathetically, placing his other hand on Doppio's other shoulder. A few feet away Mista cried at the stain on his shirt.

"Now, I know it's not my place to assume what Diavolo needs right now – I'm sure you know more about him than I do," he began, each word coming out of his mouth calming Doppio down, "but it sounds like he's lonely."

"But he's got me!" Doppio protested.

"No, no, no, not _that_ kind of lonely," Giorno said, shaking his head. "His movie and television taste – while _tasteless_ , who liked Suicide Squad? – seems to be romance-based for the most part. He says he's bored because he doesn't have any work to do and he's seen everything before, but really he's just longing for a lover to spend his days with."

" _Really_?" Doppio's eyes shined brightly.

"Really," Giorno repeated, patting Doppio's back. "I can tell you a site that allows you to date online. I know how much social interaction scares Diavolo."

The purple-haired boy's face lit up as he embraced Giorno tightly, overwhelmed with joy. "Thank you, thank you!" he cried out, listening intently as Giorno told him the site. "You're truly a golden angel sent from God!"

He sped away back to Diavolo, eager to tell him the good news as the three watched him disappear down a corner.

"…You actually gave advice for Diavolo, Gio?" Fugo asked. "Thought you hated the guy."

"Well, at first I – Mista, if it disgusts you that much then just take your shirt off! – I didn't want to help, but then I thought about what dad would do. I think he would be proud of me."

"Gio. You have _two dads_. That sentence has two meanings. What dad are you talking about?"

Giorno smirked. "He has a poster of Edward Cullen on his wall. He's going to crash and burn this dating scene."

"So then, DIO – wait, how the hell do you know what he has on his wall?" Fugo paused, eyeing his friend with befuddlement. Giorno winked at him, literally dazzling with overwhelming beauty. "…What the actual fuck is with these sparkles?"

* * *

Diavolo stared blankly at his laptop, the light from it the only thing illuminating his pitch-black bedroom. The site that Doppio had recommended was open on the screen, stuck on the login page.

While he certainly wasn't in the mood for _love_ (he just knew Giovanna was trying to mess with him, and damn him if he thought he could get away with making a fool out of Diavolo), he had seen a show on MTV that seemed like it could entertain him for a while.

The mouse hovered over to ' **create an account** ' and a light giggle erupted from Diavolo as he clicked.

 **What is your name?**

He hesitated for a minute, thinking, before typing out _Cremisi Cazzo_ , chuckling to himself again.

The next few questions were simple; asking him of his interests and hobbies, and to create a profile. He used one of his ex-employee's photo as his profile picture, knowing that they would be attractive enough to gather the attention of whatever simple-minded fools actually went on the website. Finally, he reached the sentence to fill out for his profile – the most important of all.

 **I am a** female **looking for a** male **partner.**

With a simple click of a button, his profile was done, and he was ready to begin fishing.

 **1 New Message**

Well. That was quick. He quickly opened up his inbox, smiling deviously to himself.

 **From:** Kira Yoshikage (killaqueen48)

 _Heyyy ;)_

Diavolo thought for a moment and replied before clicking on his profile.

 **theresults666:** _hiiiii beautiful 3_

Well, he was handsome, he'd give him that. Diavolo stared at the blond man in the icon, admiring his sharp jawline and intense gaze. The suit, bright purple and daring, complimented his dashing good looks perfectly.

 **killaqueen48:** _send hands?_

But of course, he was one of _those_. They were no fun to play with, he wanted a real challenge. Diavolo sighed, moving to click the exit button –

Wait, what?

 **theresults666:** _hands? don't u want nudes?_

 **killaqueen48:** _no_

 **killaqueen48:** _hands?_

 **killaqueen48:** _hands are sexy. much sexier than stupid breasts._

Diavolo snorted. Well, _this_ just took an interesting turn. If he hadn't noticed what the last message had really said, he would've missed out on Yoshikage Kira's apparent fetish. A fetish that he was _very_ direct about. What a disgusting fuck.

"Doppio! Come in here!" There was a brief moment of silence before he heard footsteps rapidly approaching the door.

"Yes boss?" his assistant asked as he stumbled into the room, an anxious grin plastered on his lips. His wide eyes were fixated on Diavolo's hunched figure, adjusting to the sudden darkness.

Diavolo picked up his phone and hurled it at Doppio, never once looking away from his laptop. "Take a photo of your hands," he ordered, fingers tapping at his keyboard.

 **theresults666:** _lol k_

 **theresults666:** _give me a sec_

"…Did you take it?"

Doppio froze, clutching the phone close to his chest. "I-I'm confused… You want me to take a photo of your hands?"

Diavolo rolled his eyes. "No, take a photo of _your_ hands and _only_ your hands. They're much more feminine than mine."

"O-okay…"

He heard the click of the phone and saw the bright light flash from the corner of his eye, before Doppio quickly handed the phone back with the fresh image of Doppio's hand. His gaze finally moved from one screen to another as he took in the photo. Doppio's hand was clean, his fingers long, slender, and most importantly, feminine. It was a stark contrast to Diavolo's own rough and inked hands. It would do _perfectly_. He quickly opened the site on his phone and sent the photo, smiling gleefully.

 **theresults666:** _hope this is ok_

Sensing Doppio's gaze upon him, Diavolo looked up to him and raised his brow. "You can go."

"Y-yes, boss…" Doppio said, fiddling with his fingers and sweating. "Um… are you feeling better?"

The quiet ding of his phone interrupted Diavolo's train of thought before he could answer.

 **killaqueen48:** _oh god big sexy_

 **killaqueen48:** _your hands are so beautiful_

"…Yeah, I'm feeling _much_ better," he managed to get in between breaths of laughter. "Thank you, Doppio."

Doppio's face lit up and he sighed with relief. "No worries, boss!" he said, practically skipping out of the room and closing the door behind him.

 **theresults666:** _glad you liked it ._

 **killaqueen48:** _Those are without a doubt the most stunning hands I've ever had the pleasure of seeing_

 **killaqueen48:** _You should be proud of your beautiful hands, babe_

 **theresults666:** _well are u gonna send ur nudes?_

 **killaqueen48 has sent 3 files**

Diavolo blinked, taking in the images. He raised a hand and rested his chin between his index finger and his thumb, nodding in approval. "Impressive."

 **theresults666:** _Xd_

 **theresults666:** _mmm ur so handsome_

In all honesty, that wasn't a lie. While Diavolo had certainly never felt attraction to someone outside of Robert Pattison, his girlfriend from fifteen years ago, or any member of My Chemical Romance, that Kira Yoshikage guy was one fine man. His muscles were toned, his skin flawless, and his abs were sharper than Diavolo's edge.

If he weren't already committed to this joke, he might actually have asked Yoshikage out for real.

 **killaqueen48:** _haha, thanks :)_

 **killaqueen48:** _Girls usually leave once I ask for their hands_

 **killaqueen48:** _I'm glad you can see why they're so fucking hot_

 **theresults666:** _yeah, hands are usually the first thing i look for in a man_

Actually the first thing he looked for was the amount of mascara they had on, but Yoshikage didn't need to know that.

 **killaqueen48:** _Finally! Someone who sees things from my perspective!_

 **killaqueen48:** _Breasts are just big lumps? What's so great about them, right?_

 **theresults666:** _exactly. there's nothing special about them_

 **theresults666:** _I prefer hands_

 **killaqueen48:** _Do you know the Mona Lisa?_

"The fuck kind of question is that?" Diavolo scrunched up his nose, squinting at the message. "Who doesn't know Mona Lisa?"

 **theresults666:** _no? what's that?_

 **killaqueen48:** _She's a beautiful painting in the Louvre. Her hands especially are the hottest things I've seen in my life. I'm getting a boner just thinking about them. I want her soft hands to_

"Holy shit."

It just went on and on. Yoshikage must have written at least a thousand words on _the Mona Lisa's hands_ , and a good half of it was just him talking about how hard they got him. While Diavolo certainly understood being attracted to unconventional things (his sexual fantasy was to be bitten by a vampire), this guy just took it to a whole new level. There's kinks, and then there's _kinks_.

 **theresults666:** _lol nice_

He honestly didn't know what to say.

 **killaqueen48:** _so what are you into?_

 **killaqueen48:** _saw on your profile you liked goth?_

 **killaqueen48:** _what's a hot topic?_

Diavolo gazed at his poster of Robert Pattison lovingly, reminiscing about his life and where it all went _right_. Here was a man prepared to listen to his interests and not make fun of him for them, like a certain donut-haired asshole. Technically Diavolo was pranking him, but hey. At least he was listening.

He turned his attention back to his phone and started typing.

* * *

"Hey, have you noticed anything different about Diavolo recently?" Mista asked, stretching his legs across Giorno and Fugo's knees. The three were having their weekly movie night and had settled on Fugo's couch, watching some bad z-grade movie about a turkey murdering a group of annoying actors. The room smelt of pizza and Mista's sweat. He smelt a lot.

Fugo shrugged. "He still seems the same to me," he said. "I saw him go to Hot Topic yesterday. You were there too, right Gio?"

The blond didn't respond. Dark shadows casted over his eyes as he leaned forward, digging his elbows into Mista's legs, intertwining his fingers and resting his nose on his hands. The room suddenly felt colder; Mista felt as if someone had shoved an icicle up his ass. Fugo and Mista glanced at each other and gulped, suddenly terrified of their friend.

"Yes… I was there…" Giorno muttered. "Indeed I was…"

It was like he was in a world of his own. He began murmuring under his breath, ignoring either of his friends. Mista slowly reached for his shoulder, only to recoil at Giorno's sudden outburst.

"Fugo! Fetch me my laptop!"

"Do it yourself."

Giorno slowly turned his head to Fugo, his eyes wide and burning with an emotion that terrified Fugo to his core. "I am having an _idea_ that I don't want to lose. I'm losing right now, Fugo. I can't lose any longer."

"F-Fine, I'll get it," Fugo sighed, pulling at his collar. "Mista, move over."

Mista moved his legs, his eyes locked on Giorno as the other boy went to get Giorno's laptop. Giorno went back to his original position after Fugo left, staring straight forward and lost in thought. Mista coughed.

"You okay there buddy?" he asked, giving him a weak grin.

Giorno sighed. "I'm _failing_ , Mista," he suddenly flopped backwards on the couch, sprawling his arms out. "I had _one_ job and I couldn't even do it."

"…One job?"

"I had my chance to outdo dad and I blew it. This – Diavolo – was finally my chance. And it isn't going like I planned."

"And your plan was to…"

A defeated shrug was his only response.

"So, you didn't have a plan, you just wanted to…" Mista searched for the right words. "…See Diavolo fail at love?"

"I mean, that was a side effect. I just wanted to see him fail at life in general," Giorno said.

"Uh-huh," Mista nodded. "Why do we hate him, again?"

"He killed our friends in an alternate universe."

"Woah, for real?"

Giorno nodded solemnly.

"Man, that guy's a dick."

The pair sat in silence, thinking about how much they hated Diavolo. It never once crossed their minds that Diavolo might have never actually killed anyone in an alternate universe, but Giorno was adamant on his feelings. And once Giorno was sure about something, Mista and Fugo usually agreed with him.

"I got it!" Fugo said, sprinting into the room with Giorno's laptop in his hands. "Your laptop, GioGio." He handed the laptop to its owner before bolting over everyone on the couch and landing on his original spot. "So, what's your plan?"

Giorno opened his laptop, Diavolo's tumblr page already up and running on his display, as if he somehow willed it to open with psychic abilities. The blog titled _Welcome to my Twisted Mind_ , coloured in an eye-bleeding red clashing with the black background, represented both the best and worst of Diavolo. The autoplayer began the first chords of Linkin Park's _In The End_. "We're sending him anon hate, boys."

" _Giorno holy fuck_ ," Mista breathed, wrapping his arm around Giorno's shoulders and leaning towards the computer. "You absolute mad lad."

 _cotton candy hair looking ass, team jacob all the way_

Fugo struggled to describe the majestic roast in front of him. All he could say was "…Powerful".

"You want a go?" Giorno asked, handing him the laptop already. Fugo thought for a second before typing down his hate.

 _you're 35 but you act like a 13 year old girl. also your hair looks like a moldy strawberry_

Mista snatched the laptop away from Fugo, rubbing his hands together. "That's cool, Fugo, but check _this out_."

 _Giorno Giovanna is better than you in every way possible. I'm serious, when I think about what Giorno has done for our community, his stunningly handsome face, and those luscious golden locks, I feel as if I've seen an angel. You, on the other hand, remind me of a cockroach I found in my shoe the other day. Disgusting and vile, and I only realised you were in there after I had my feet in them for 1/20_

 _The entire day. Like, dude, disgusting. I know you'd probably go on r/incel. I've seen your internet history in my dreams and it makes me wish I was blind. But Giorno? His internet history is radical. It's the most eye-opening thing I've ever seen. Giorno Giovanna made me go through the revelation that life is worth living 2/20_

"What the fuck, Mista?" Fugo said. "What's all this shit about Giorno?"

"If there's one thing Diavolo hates more than anything else, it's Giorno getting praise," Mista explained, rapidly typing the next eighteen messages, all about how stunning and beautiful Giorno was. "This is gonna hurt him to his core." Once he was finished, he leaned back and smiled smugly, handing Giorno back his computer. "And that's done. Nice idea, Giorno."

"Wait…" Giorno said. "There's one more…"

 _You'll never reach truth._

One lone finger slowly pressed 'send'.

On the other side of the city, a thirty-five-year-old man screamed in fear.

Giorno smiled to himself.

* * *

 **theresults666:** _kirraaa T-T_

 **theresults666:** _bae where r u?_

 **theresults666:** _pls i need someone rn_

 **killaqueen48:** _what's wrong, cazzo?_

 **theresults666:** _someone sent me anon hate :'(_

 **theresults666:** _its making me sad_

 **killaqueen48:** _WHAT_

 **killaqueen48:** _WHO WOULD EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING SUCH A THING_

Diavolo wiped away a tear, his black mascara staining his puffy cheeks.

 **theresults666:** _i don't know :(_

Okay, it was _definitely_ Giovanna. There's no way those twenty messages could be from anyone but. The guy was so up himself, writing about how good he was. He was just like his father.

 **killaqueen48:** _hey, hey, listen_

 **killaqueen48:** _your hands are beautiful_

 **killaqueen48:** _you can't let that loser get you down_

 **killaqueen48:** _i'm always here for u_

 **killaqueen48 sent a file**

 **killaqueen48:** _hope my dick can make u better_

God, Diavolo was really regretting catfishing this poor guy. He was a genuinely great boyfriend, and was the only person outside of Doppio who respected his life choices. They had only been talking to each other for at least a fortnight, and during that time Yoshikage had taken the time to listen to all of Diavolo's goth talk, and Diavolo in turned listened to his talk about hands.

 **theresults666:** _ugh god so hot_

 **theresults666:** _i 3 u_

He stared at Yoshikage's icon, eagerly awaiting a response. Unfortunately, Giovanna suddenly decided to ruin his night _yet again_ and call him.

Diavolo rolled his eyes. "What do you want, Giovanna?"

"Hello to you too, Diavolo. Having a nice night?"

He sniffed. "Y-yeah, I'm having a great night."

"That's g _reat_. Listen, my cousin Josuke is having a party next weekend – he literally just told me about it – and I'm allowed to bring a plus one."

"And you called me to rub in my face the fact that you're going with Guido Mista, right?" he sighed, rubbing his forehead.

"No, no! I was calling to invite my good pal Diavolo!"

"…What."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! I was feeling bad about some things I did so I thought, hey, might as well right?" Giorno paused for a moment. "I'll pick you up at eight next Saturday. See you then, pal."

Oh, he could have c _rushed_ his phone in his hands just then. Giovanna loved to make his life a living hell, there was no way he was sincere about being friendly. This was a damn trick.

 **killaqueen48:** _Love u too, bae_

 **theresults666:** _ur the only 1 who understands me_

 **read 9.15pm**

The clock ticked by agonisingly as Diavolo stared at Yoshikage's icon. There was no response from him, not even any indication that he was typing something. Sweat dripped down the back of his neck as his hands began to shake, biting down on his bottom lip in anticipation.

"DOPPIO! WHY ISN'T HE ANSWERING?" he shrieked. "DOPPIO WHAT DO I DO IF HE DOESN'T ANSWER?"

No response.

"DOPPI – oh," he cut himself off, suddenly remembering that he asked Doppio to buy them some dessert earlier, which explain his absence. Still, the lack of response from Yoshikage still bothered him.

As if fate was on his side, Yoshikage's message icon lit up. Diavolo gave a short gasp.

 **killaqueen48:** _sorry about late response, someone was at the door_

 **theresults666:** _that's ok!_

 **killaqueen48:** _And I feel the same way. You're the only one that understands me_

 **killaqueen48:** _The real me_

 **killaqueen48:** _People make fun of me for my fetish and it makes me sad :(_

 **theresults666:** _u cant help that ur attracted to hands!_

 **theresults666:** _people need to stop kinkshaming!_

 **killaqueen48:** _^^ thank you, it means a lot to hear that from you_

 **theresults666:** _3_

Diavolo smiled to himself.

Yoshikage Kira was one disgusting fuck, but he was Diavolo's disgusting fuck.

* * *

Doppio and Diavolo sat in the back of Giorno's car, their knees pressed up against their chests. Someone (Giorno) had pushed the front seats back so that someone (Diavolo) would be uncomfortable the ride to the party. Unfortunately, no one knew apart from Diavolo knew that Doppio would be joining them to the party, so the poor boy had to suffer with his boss. If Diavolo wasn't there, Giorno would have offered Doppio to sit in the front or fixed the seats, but alas, if he did he would have had to accommodate Diavolo as well. Diavolo fumed as he glared at the back of Giorno's head, wanting nothing more than to strangle the blond bastard.

"Ah! We're here!" Giorno suddenly announced, pulling into the driveway of his cousin… nephew… what was it again? Diavolo didn't particularly care. Someone he was related to. The beat of some trash 90's pop song (but, according to Diavolo, all pop is trash) pounded in his chest and he stared at the front porch with fear.

Holy shit, that's a lot of people.

There were at least ten on the front porch alone. No doubt there were countless more inside. Countless more of Giovanna's crowd. Diavolo shivered.

"Ready to go, _pal_?"

He wanted to throw hands with the kid _so bad_.

"Sure thing, Giovanna," Diavolo said through gritted teeth. "Doppio! Let's go!"

The pair followed Giorno through the house, finally reaching his relative that he had heard something about, probably. He wasn't listening when he was told it, though. The relative had possibly the worst hair he had ever seen. He thought Giovanna's hair was an insult to his own luscious scene-pink locks, but this guy's steak-hair brought pain to Diavolo's chest.

"Ay, Giorno!" the bad-hair guy greeted, high-fiving Giorno. "Glad you made it! And you two must be…" He turned to Diavolo and Doppio, thinking for a moment, "…Diavolo and Doppio, right?"

"Yep!" Doppio saluted and grinned.

The boy saluted back. "I'm Josuke," he said. "And this is my house so – please don't break anything. My mum will _kill_ me if you do." He turned back to Giorno. "Rohan's out back. Me and Okuyasu are gonna shoot him with some water pistols. Wanna join?"

Doppio's face lit up with joy at the mention of water pistols. "Of course," Giorno laughed, stepping forward to follow Josuke. He paused for a moment and looked back to the pair. "Have fun Doppio, Diavolo."

Diavolo clenched his fists. " _Giorno Giovanna_ ," he seethed. "You invited me – no, _forced_ me to attend this party, and as soon as we get here you just leave me alone? Take responsibility for your actions."

"…Oh." Giorno gave one of his _sickening_ dazzling smirks, the _disgusting_ sparkles filling up Diavolo's vision as the boy before him seemed to turn into a marble statue right before his eyes. "If you're that worried, Diavolo, I can stay with you. I just thought this would be good for you – get out into the world, make some friends, just have fun. But I suppose if you're uncomfortable here – "

"Who said I was uncomfortable?" Diavolo snapped. "Fine, Giovanna. Join your relative and go bother this 'Trash-can' guy."

"I would correct you, but you're not far off," Giorno joked.

"Just do _not_ forget to drive us home," he ordered as Giorno began to walk away, glaring daggers at the boy. When he was sure Giorno was out of ear-reach he whispered to Doppio, "stay with him and make sure he doesn't try to pull any shit."

"Sure thing boss!" he sprinted after Josuke and Giorno. "Hey, wait up! I wanna hang with you guys!"

Diavolo sighed as he watched his assistant run after his mortal enemy. Fate seemed to have a love-hate relationship with him. He was fated to be the boss of a successful company, to live in the era of goth culture, to be able to dye spots in his hair like the cool scene kids do, but he was also fated to live in the same town as that golden shit-head.

God, how he hated teenagers.

He picked up an unopened can of cola and began to slowly wonder towards the kitchen, avoiding eye contact with as many people as possible. No one seemed to take much notice to him, to his relief. Luckily, the kitchen was fairly empty. Not a single person there; it seemed the life of the party was outside. Letting out a deep breath he didn't realise he had been holding, Diavolo opened the can and gulped down its contents. He burped and nonchalantly chucked it behind him, accidentally hitting a kid with weird spikes on his head. The kid probably yelled at him, but he was too busy staring into the void to notice.

"Oh – excuse me," a sudden voice brought Diavolo back to reality. "Sorry, I was just hoping you could pass me that apple there."

Diavolo glanced at a bowl of fruit beside him, picking up the apple and handing it to the newcomer, never once bothering to look at him.

"Thanks." He felt the apple leave his hand. "You hiding here too?"

He sighed, finally turning to look at the other guy. "Yeah, I – "

Holy.

Fucking.

Shit.

Standing right before him, dressed in the same purple and green suit as all his pictures, his blond hair neatly combed back and his blue eyes piercing right into Diavolo's soul, was Yoshikage Kira. Diavolo almost shrieked at the sight, his mind immediately wondering if he was in some kind of dream. Of course he had to be – there was no way that Yoshikage would be in the same party as him.

"Uh… are you okay?" Yoshikage asked, raising his brow.

Realising he had been standing with his mouth agape, Diavolo quickly came to his senses. "Uh – uh, sorry! I just, uh, thought you looked like someone!" his voice cracked.

"…Yes, I do get that a lot," Yoshikage glanced down at Diavolo's hands. "I like your tattoos. They compliment your hands."

Wow. Hand talk already. Yeah, this was definitely Yoshikage Kira.

Oh shit, this was Yoshikage Kira.

The guy that was an expert in hands.

The guy that could tell who someone was just by their hand alone.

The guy who had been receiving pictures of Doppio's hands from Diavolo, thinking they were from someone who was made up.

Doppio who happened to be at the same party as Yoshikage and Diavolo.

 _Oh, shit_ indeed.

"I'm Kira. Yoshikage Kira," Yoshikage greeted, holding out his hand. Diavolo shook it, mind still racing. He didn't notice Yoshikage's cheeks tinge red when Diavolo's rough hand touched his own smooth hand.

"Diavolo." _Where the fuck is Doppio I need to find him and we need to hide forever let's get away from this town and start living in the sewers HE'S RIGHT HERE DOPPIO HELP ME._

"That's a lovely name. Diavolo," he repeated, the word dripping off his tongue like honey. "Not used to parties, Diavolo?"

Oh god, he was even better in real life. His voice was silkier than anything Diavolo imagined. "I hate parties." Seriously, why did he have to be so sweet and nice and _disgusting_? It was like he was Diavolo's own personal Prince Charming.

"Ugh, same here," Yoshikage leaned on the counter, glaring out the window to the crowd in the backyard. "I just want a quiet life, and then this Josuke kid shows up and makes my life a living hell by making me go to this trash." He looked to Diavolo. "There's a room upstairs that's quiet and empty. Want to join me and hide in there?"

Alright, Diavolo. You have two options here: either you stay in the first floor and smell the sweat of intoxicated kids while some trashy preps play whatever trashy songs are hip at the moment, or you go upstairs with the guy you've been lying to for at least three weeks. If he finds out who you really are, you might just destroy the only good relationship you've had for years. There's an obvious choice here, and that's the one that won't destroy his entire life.

"Yeah, sure."

And he picked the wrong choice.

Yoshikage smirked at him, seemingly ignorant of Diavolo's terrified stare and his inward screaming, and took Diavolo's hand in his own, pulling him through the crowds and up the stairs. The world around Diavolo began to spin, the people becoming a blur. Just as he was beginning to regret all his life's choices he heard a door close shut behind him and the once deafening music quiet down to a muffled nuisance. His vision quickly began to fix itself as Diavolo took in his surroundings. It was just a small bedroom, probably a guestroom, with just a queen-sized bed and a bedside table. A _Pink Floyd_ album was stuck to a wall, the only thing that remotely stood out about the room.

He breathed in, taking in the beauty of sweet, _sweet_ solitude. It was like heaven to him. There was no smell of body odour, not annoying laughter, there was just him and Yoshikage. He savoured the feeling of this peaceful room, washing over his head, body, arms, hands –

His hand was still intertwined with Yoshikage's.

Heart pounding in his chest, Diavolo loosened his hold, while Yoshikage's hold became even tighter. He led them to the bed as they both sat down, Yoshikage never letting go of his hand.

"You know… your hands aren't particularly beautiful," he murmured, raising Diavolo's hand and caressing it with his other hand. "They're rough, large, tattooed – by all logic and reasoning, I should _hate_ your hands."

Diavolo couldn't say anything.

"But yet, the way they're sculptured… It's absolutely divine…"

He leaned his head down and planted a kiss on Diavolo's knuckles. Not sensing any unease from Diavolo, he continued to leave a trail of kisses all up to his neck, when he finally drew back to gaze into Diavolo's eyes.

"Yoshikage... I…" Diavolo swallowed, his heart pounding against his ribcage. It pained him to see Yoshikage be so oblivious to the truth. God damn, why did he have to catfish Kira? The one guy that he actually wouldn't mind dating! There was no other choice. "I have to… tell you something."

Yoshikage tilted his head, frowning. "What is it?"

"I'm – uh, how should I say this. I'm Cazzo," Diavolo confessed. "From online. Surprise."

Finally, the truth was out there. The band aid was ripped off and all that was left was to see how Yoshikage reacted. At least Diavolo told him the truth, rather than keep up the lie for who-knows-how-long.

A long silence fell between them, the only sounds being from the party downstairs. Diavolo stared at Yoshikage, hoping to see _some_ kind of response in his expression. Unfortunately, his eyes remained blank, staring ahead at nothing in particular, and his lips moved to a tight thin line.

"…Yoshikage?"

Yoshikage blinked, processing the news. He glanced down at his shoes and suddenly stood up, refusing to meet Diavolo's gaze. "Excuse me," he said, walking out the door at a brisk pace. Diavolo's mouth opened, ready to call out after him, but the words died on his lips as he watched Yoshikage leave from his field of vision.

It was as if he stopped thinking. Diavolo slowly leaned to his side until he was collapsed on the bed, curling his knees to his chest. Then, he did the only thing he thought to do.

Seal his lips shut and scream.

And scream.

And scream.

He was still screaming when Josuke and Giorno found him.

He was still screaming when Doppio guided him down the stairs and back to the car.

He was still screaming when Giorno dropped him and Doppio off at his apartment, stifling his laughter as he drove away.

He only stopped screaming once he reached his proper bed and his voice became hoarse. Then, he cried into his pillow, his makeup staining the fabric.

Boy, he fucked up.

* * *

 **theresults666:** _Yoshikage?_

 **theresults666:** _Yoshi, babe, I'm sorry_

 **theresults666 has changed their profile picture**

 **theresults666:** _this is the real me_

 **theresults666:** _but I guess you already knew that_

* * *

 **theresults666:** _all our convos were genuine bae i love you_

 **theresults666:** _please come back :(_

* * *

 **theresults666:** _I drew a picture of u from memory and it's up with Edward_

 **theresults666:** _I'm really sorry Yoshi_

 **theresults666:** _please_

* * *

 **killaqueen48:** _So, let me get this straight._

Diavolo shot up from his bed, gripping his phone so tightly his knuckles began to turn white.

 **theresults666:** _YOU'RE ON!_

 **killaqueen48:** _You… were catfishing me?_

 **theresults666:** _yes i'm super sorry about that_

 **killaqueen48:** _So, all that stuff you said, about accepting who I was and my fetish and all that_

 **killaqueen48:** _That was just a lie_

 **killaqueen48:** _To humiliate me, Yoshikage Kira._

 **theresults666:** _NO! I wanted to have some fun at first but then we actually connected! you actually respect my goth self and don't tease me for my life choices!_

 **killaqueen48:** _But you still lied to me._

 **theresults666:** _i'm sorry! i want us to work! please lets just move past this and be together for real!_

 **killaqueen48:** _…._

 **killaqueen48:** _Whose hands was I getting?_

 **theresults666:** _my assistant_

 **killaqueen48:** _…_

 **killaqueen48:** _And my nudes? Are they safe?_

 **theresults666:** _of course!_

 **killaqueen48:** _Give me a bit to process all of this._

 **killaqueen48:** _I'll… get back to you soon_

* * *

Diavolo paced back and forth in his office, staring at his reflection on the black screen of his phone. The clock on his desk ticked, a painful reminder that with each second passing was another second Yoshikage wasn't talking to him. 'Soon' was a vague term and Diavolo hoped that to Yoshikage the word meant in an hour or something like that. He didn't want to be walking in his office forever. His legs were getting sore.

The phone vibrated violently in his hand; it was a call from the app. Swallowing, Diavolo picked up.

"Hello?"

"Diavolo," Yoshikage said. "How are you?"

"I'm fine! I'm more worried about you."

There was a sigh from the other side of the line. "I've… taken some time to process everything. This has been a humiliating experience, you know."

"I know," Diavolo winced, guilt flooding his chest. "I wish I hadn't done it to you. You don't deserve it."

"But, like I said, I've thought about it. About us." Yoshikage paused just long enough for Diavolo's heart to pound in anticipation. "I want there to be an us. I'm going to give you another chance. No lies, no trickery, none of that shit."

"Of course!" Diavolo said, smiling as bright as a goth can. Which wasn't very. "We'll have a fresh, clean start."

"And send me your real hands. They've been on my mind since the party." There was a long moan. "I have an erection."

"That's nice," Diavolo said. "So, you live in the same town as me? What a coincidence."

"I've lived here my entire life."

"And we never saw each other before that night? Fate must have led us together," he leaned back on the window, looking up at the heavens. "I've always felt fate was on my side."

"Same here!" Yoshikage laughed. "I'm so lucky, sometimes I think _luck_ is on the side of Yoshikage Kira. Wow, we really are destined for each other." The two shared a giggle. "…Hey, are you busy right now?"

Diavolo glanced at the daunting pile of incomplete paperwork on his desk. "Uh. No. Why?"

"Would you like to have lunch with me?" Yoshikage asked. "I'm just outside _Tonio's_ right now."

"Oh! That's a block down from my work!" Diavolo pushed himself off the wall. "I'll be there in two minutes!"

"See you soon, then."

"Yeah, I'll see you there!"

He hung up and shoved his phone into his pants pocket, barging out the room and sprinting through the building. Several employees stared at him with their jaws dropped as he passed; seeing Diavolo out in public in daylight, much less _exercising_ , was a cryptid sighting. Diavolo ignored his employees and the people outside who were jealous of his superior fashion sense, his attention fixated on one man and one man alone: Yoshikage Kira.

The moment Yoshikage came into his view was one of the best moments of Diavolo's life. The blond man was waiting outside the Italian restaurant, his arms crossed, eyeing the menu. His head shot to the side after hearing his name called out and a smile reached his lips as he started running towards his boyfriend.

The couple met halfway, holding each other in their arms. They disgustingly smooched, like the filthy fuckers they are. Diavolo took Yoshikage's hand in his own, rubbing his palm. "Yoshikage, I've only known you for like, four weeks, but to be fair there's been movies where the couple have known each other for a day or something. Anyway, Yoshikage Kira, I honestly, genuinely love you."

Yoshikage brought Diavolo's hand to his cheek. "I love you too," he said, his eyes fixed on Diavolo's hand.

"And so the lion falls in love with the lamb."

"That's poetic. Where's that from?"

"It's from –"

His words were cut to a gruesome halt as he was suddenly torn away from Yoshikage's vision, instead replaced by a bloody ambulance. The sirens rang in Yoshikage's ears as he stared down at the mangled body on the floor, still holding Diavolo's severed hand to his cheek.

Across the street, Giorno raised his sunglasses at the scene, his phone in his hand and fingers typing out a number. "Hello, dad – oh, papa. Is dad there? Could you please get him for me? Thank you. I love you too, papa."

He waited for his dad, watching as a large crowd began forming around the ambulance and blond man who had started sobbing and showering the severed hand with kisses.

"Dad! You'll never guess what just happened."

* * *

 **ger works beyond universes. get fucked diavolo.**


End file.
